I'm sorry it's been a long time since I last wrote home, but life here at ------------------ college summer camp the state penitentiary the African village where I'm doing volunteer work Madame Chalfont's Brothel my boyfriend Tommy's basement has been really hectic since ------------------ the start of semester my bunk-mate died in a canoeing accident I started making all those license plates the recent Ebola outbreak we opened a new franchise in Bangkok I got knocked up . I know I'm only ------------------ an e-mail a phone call 3000 miles a horrendously long plane flight a few states two houses down the street away, but I just haven't had the time. ------------------ Competing in wet t-shirt contests at the campus bar Toasting marshmallows and singing Kumbaya Being beaten daily by the other inmates Posing with sickly orphans for World Vision pamphlets Having sex with all your friends Drinking beer and filling out welfare applications has been keeping me really busy!

I'm so happy to finally have the chance to write to you though, because ------------------ I need money I miss your pot roast a suspicious parcel will be arriving for me soon I'm out of clean underwear I don't want you to find out about my new porn career from someone else I want you to know your grandchild and I need you to ------------------ send me a big fat cheque send me some food in a Tupperware container pretend you don't know me when the police turn up send a drawer-ful of thong panties with the next food drop forward me my fan mail co-sign the lease for our new trailer . I know it seems like I ask for a lot, but I promise I will never ask you for anything ever again until ------------------ the money runs out I get home in 8 weeks and need a new iPod repay some of the money I stole from you before my arrest I need something else my three elderly sugar daddies die my welfare application is rejected . Oh, and if you could also send me ------------------ your bank account details some home-made cookies the heads of my enemies some rubber gloves and a set of surgical tools all the unmarked video cassettes in my top drawer some food stamps I would really appreciate it!

Don't worry though, things here aren't as bad as they seem. Recently I ------------------ made the Dean's list by sleeping with my professors found some yummy free mushrooms on a nature hike discovered a possible escape route met Bono and Angelina Jolie at a third world charity benefit noticed my gonorrhea has cleared up got an e-mail telling me how to earn $5000 a week working from home - isn't that awesome? You'll also be pleased to know I am supplementing my income slightly by ------------------ selling term papers to my classmates blackmailing friends smuggling drugs into the joint claiming fraudulent tax benefits running my own adult website allowing myself to be injured for the purpose of filing lawsuits , so my money problems should soon be over!

As you know, I will be coming home as soon as ------------------ the semester is over you rescue me from this hellish place the hole is big enough to climb through I decide which orphans to adopt I finish my new movie I give birth and get my figure back and I would be really grateful if you could ------------------ buy some clean sheets prepare a bountiful feast install a really good home security system hire a Kiswahilian translator invite Dad's boss and any other male colleagues over stock up on wine coolers in preparation for my return.

Love you lots,
------------------ Your favourite daughter Your favourite son Your Ungrateful Deadbeat The black sheep of the family Hopefully not your biological child .

PS: ------------------ The Sigma Tau pledgemaster My imaginary friend My new prison bitch A bunch of underpriviliged Rwandans Uncle Jeff My dickhead boyfriend says hello!

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