*Subject to personal definition.
I am writing to apply for the position of ------------------ regional sales manager tenured science professor disposable temp worker trainee dominatrix laboratory test subject company liability as advertised in the latest issue of ------------------ the New York Times the Daily Telegraph my prisoner rehabilitation newsletter Whips & Chains magazine GetRichQuickOrDieTrying.com e-digest those flyers they give you when you collect your unemployment cheques .
As a recent college graduate with a double degree in ------------------ marketing and human resource management astrophysics and molecular biology modern philosophy and fast food operations pain management and human sexuality studies things you can study from home with minimal effort stuff I've already forgotten , I feel I bring many admirable qualities to the job, including ------------------ excellent leadership skills a PhD on a topic you're too stupid to understand good speling and grammars perky breasts an immunity to harmful radioactive rays impressive high scores in Windows Solitaire and ------------------ the ability to motivate lazy co-workers a stock of bad puns about Uranus clean urine for the employee drug test tight buttocks a full set of working organs waiting to be exploited a closet full of amusing costumes to wear on casual Fridays . Most importantly though, I ------------------ am a competent, industrious worker have an IQ roughly double yours am now 42 days sober am aroused by inflicting pain have no existing allergies to peanuts, penicillin or plutonium am experienced, having worked 57 jobs already this year alone and am available to commence work immediately.
If I am hired by this company, I will not let you down and will even ------------------ bad-mouth our competitors answer student e-mails have the company logo tattooed on my butt sleep with fat, ugly bald men reconsider filing future lawsuits turn up to work occasionally as a demonstration of my loyalty. I have many excellent references, including ------------------ Donald Trump Sir Isaac Newton the night warden at the Pleasant Valley Correctional Facility several of my best friends' husbands my online penpal in Uzbekistan my therapist , who will not hesitate to tell you how ------------------ fabulous I am academically brilliant I am far I have come since that unfortunate killing spree good I am in bed desperate I am really desperate I am .
Please find attached ------------------ a neatly typed document outlining my employment history a sneak peek at my upcoming theory on head-ass fusion a transcript of my last court hearing a few of my favourite dirty pictures some skin and hair samples a coupon for a free upsize on your next Big Mac meal . I look forward to hearing back from you.
Sincerely, [Your name here].