This is extremely difficult for me to do, but I need to tell you that ------------------ there is no future for us I'm in love with your brother dating you has turned me into a lesbian I am joining a convent I crashed your vintage Cadillac you are a worthless loser and our relationship is over.

I must admit we have had some ------------------ fun memorable kinky vomit-inducing times together. I will never forget how we ------------------ made love at midnight in the dunes of the cape did it in your parents' linen cupboard tripped those old ladies outside the supermarket lost your life savings in Vegas ended up in the ER that night you took too much Viagra got stoned at that hippie commune and had a foursome with some goats and I will look back on those days fondly.

However, there are many things about our relationship that I have found disappointing, such as ------------------ your lack of interest in women's shoes your meagre income that will never be enough to support my spending habits the size of your penis our lack of astrological compatibility your doubtful heterosexuality the fact that you don't sparkle in the sunlight and I often find myself irritated by ------------------ your inability to put the toilet seat down your foul body odour your complete and utter lack of intelligence the gagging sounds you make when you eat my cooking your refusal to read the Twilight books your refusal to wear pants when my parents visit . We just aren't compatible because you are ------------------ ugly stupid obsessed with sex not Edward Cullen a scum-sucking cretinous asswipe and I ------------------ look like a supermodel should be chair of the local MENSA chapter have taken a vow of celibacy will only date vampires from now on deserve so much better . Can't you see that it just won't work?

Of course, I am not being completely heartless. I will give you three entire hours to get your crap out of my apartment and I will even let you keep your ------------------ Adam Sandler DVDs knock-off Armani suits dogs testicles collection of blow-up dolls because ------------------ I don't want any reminders of you my new boyfriend has no use for them they don't match my decor you just might need them again someday . Don't be discouraged, someday you will meet someone who ------------------ had really low standards can tolerate your stupidity won't charge you too much for sex doesn't know you have syphillis is blind and can't see how ugly you are and I hope you will be very happy together.

Have a nice life,
------------------ The one woman you'll never get over The best you'll ever get The last woman to sleep with you for free Your future sister-in-law The person who just uploaded nude photos of you to Flickr .

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