Not the Book of Shadows

Disclaimer: This isn’t meant to poke fun at Wicca or Paganism or any such related religion. No siree, it’s only meant to poke fun at dumbass teenyboppers who think they can make that cute guy in their math class fall in love with them by lighting a candle and sleeping with a lock of hair under their pillow. Oh, and if you are one of those dumbass teenyboppers, I’m sorry if I’ve offended you.
Actually, no, I’m not.

The New Love Charm

Don’t want to be lonely no more? Don’t want to have to pay for this? Well rest assured this information comes free of charge and has a 99.9% chance of finding you a new boyfriend (or girlfriend) within the next 15 years!

You will need:

• 2x strawberry votive candles
• A small rose quartz stone
• 2 teaspoons sunflower seeds
• A piece of paper
• Red marker pen
• 1 glow-in-the-dark condom
• An open mind

What to do:
At 9pm on the evening of a new moon (the time of month or the Twilight movie premiere – take your pick), find a quiet place in your house, garden or local cemetery and lay out your materials. Light the candles first, allowing yourself to absorb the scent. Try not to set yourself on fire. While focusing on your own breath, take the piece of paper and draw a large red circle on it in a continuous line. The circle represents eternal love and doing the same stupid thing over and over again. Now place the rose quartz stone in the middle of the circle. The rose quartz represents romance, femininity and desperation. Now take the sunflower seeds, scattering 1 spoonful in the middle of the circle, then eat the other. The seeds represent fertility, happiness and sunflowers. Now place the condom beside the stone and the sunflower seeds. The condom represents…well, if you don’t know you probably shouldn’t be casting this spell. Now focus all your energy on the contents of the circle and repeat the following affirmation three times:

“I am the goddess of my realm. I am worthy of being loved. I have faith that somewhere out there is a guy desperate enough to date me.”

Now click your heels three times and head towards your nearest dive bar. Do what comes naturally. This is where you’ll use your last ingredient (an open mind).

The Money Magnet

Do you have trouble paying your bills? Racked up a bazillion dollars worth of credit card debt buying Prada shoes and Hermes handbags? Need cash fast to bail your dumbass boyfriend out of the slammer? The Money Magnet spell just might* be the solution to your problems!
*Heavy emphasis on the “might”.

You will need:

• A small cotton pouch
• A piece of jade plant
• A lucky Chinese coin (tip: dollar stores often sell these at the counter for 50 cents)
• 1 teaspoon expensive caviar
• A recording of ABBA’s “Money money money”
• $500 in unmarked bills
• A postage paid envelope with sufficient postage to Australia

What to do:
Turn on your recording of “Money money money” and sing along for a while. When you get bored of that, take your cotton pouch and place inside it the jade plant (a traditional symbol of wealth in China) and the lucky Chinese coin (a traditional symbol of wealth in Australian Chinese restaurants). Now mush the caviar between your fingers and smear the residue on the outside of the cotton pouch, which you are now to wear on a cord around your neck every waking moment until you die or decide it’s fun being broke. As the final step, place your $500 worth of unmarked bills in the postage paid envelope and mail to the Aly Stevenson School of Witchcraft and Wizardry in Australia. Caution: if you skip this step the spell will not work and you will be doomed to eat cat food and live in a cardboard box for the rest of your life! Within 6-8 weeks of casting the spell, expect a sudden windfall of money. You could find $2 on the floor in Starbucks, or maybe even win $5 on a scratch-and-win ticket! (Hey, I didn’t say it would be a lot of money). Hold strong your faith in the higher power.

The Frog –> Prince Spell

This is one of the most popular spells in contemporary witchcraft and 17th century fairytales – how to turn a sweet cute little frog into a prince that will mess up your apartment, hit on your girlfriends and scratch his balls in public. Who in their right mind wouldn’t want to give it a try?

You will need:

• A frog (duh)
• 3 bottles of tequila
• 6 marijuana cigarettes
• Comprehensive medical insurance

What to do:
Place the frog on your night stand or pillow (I hear these are popular locations to place a frog). Open the first bottle of tequila and start drinking directly from the bottle. Smoke a joint. Smoke another joint. Finish the first bottle of tequila. Throw up a little. Smoke another joint. Crack open the second bottle of tequila. Notice how gnarly your fingers look. Keep drinking. Smoke another joint. Hug everyone who hasn’t already backed away from you in terror. Finish second bottle of tequila. Smoke another joint. Tell your neighbour you love him, then throw up on his shoes. Open last bottle of tequila. Accept Jesus into your life. Smoke last joint. Throw out a joint in your knee while trying to catch waves on a coffee table. Get tongue stuck in bottle while trying to suck down last dregs of tequila. Golly gee, is that a prince I see on your night stand? Go and give him a kiss, you wasted mess of a woman.

The Ex Hex

Sponsored by the South-East Queensland Feminist Society (previously known as the “Brisbane Ball-busters”).

He slept with your sister. He gave you syphilis. He (*gasp!*) made fun of your obsession with the Twilight series. You need revenge. You deserve revenge. Here’s how.

You will need:

• A photo of your ex in a compromising position
• A pint of your ex’s blood (if for some reason you cannot obtain this, a bottle of mouldy ketchup will suffice)
• An old Ken doll
• A number of pins proportionate to your rage
• A book of matches
• A pair of stiletto boots
• An anonymous e-mail account
• A recording of “Sisters are doing it for themselves”
• A big box of chocolates

What to do:
At midnight on the 1 week anniversary of your break-up, go to the furthest corner of your backyard and clear a sitting space somewhere between 12 inches and 4 feet in diameter, depending on how fat your ass is. Plant yourself down and place the Ken doll in front of you so that one foot is facing south-west and the other is facing north-east (you may have to break his legs to do this – just imagine it’s your ex. Feels good, doesn’t it?). Now think deeply about where you would like your ex to feel agonizing pain (hint: try the jugular, rectum and genital regions), then stick pins in those places. Laugh like a madwoman for maximum effect. Now pour the blood/tomato juice over the Ken doll and set him on fire. Laugh again, this time more psychotically. Embrace your inner sadist! Laugh for another 3.6 seconds, then stomp out the fire with your stiletto boots before the flames reach the back steps and set your house on fire. While focusing on the ashes on the Ken doll, raise your hands to the sky in a dramatic fashion and repeat this incantation:

“I call upon the Goddess of All
Hear my pleading, hear my call
Make my ex’s wiener small”

As the final step, use your anonymous e-mail account to send that compromising photo to every person in the universe whose e-mail address you can get hold of while eating the chocolate and listening to “Sisters are doing it for themselves”. None of this is actually magic, but it will make him suffer, which is all you really wanted, right?

The Enemy Exterminatus

This ancient hex dates all the way back to November 2009 when a young maiden named Aly got really bored one afternoon and decided to write some stupid spells. Please note that this curse is extremely dangerous and should only be used against someone really deserving of your hatred, like Iraqi terrorists, your math teacher or your little brother.

Warning #1: There is a 99.9% chance that this hex will result in the death of whoever you cast it on, so make sure that’s ok with your conscience before proceeding.
Warning #2: According to some rule of witchcraft I know nothing about, any evil you send out into the world will return to you threefold. So if you put this curse on someone to kill them, you will die three times. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

You will need:

• A pile of dog poop
• A paper bag
• A book of matches
• A picture of your enemy, preferably one that makes them look really good and makes you feel sick with envy
• A black marker pen
• 3x number 6′s stolen from various mailboxes in your street
• A phone
• A vengeful spirit (note: I’m referring to yours, not a ghost. Don’t try that, it pisses them off)

What to do:
At 2am on the date of the next lunar eclipse (so that no one sees you), scoop up the dog poop and force it into the paper bag. Leave on your enemy’s doorstep and set on fire (Note: Adding gasoline or any other flammable explosive to the bag before setting alight is not an approved part of this spell and may get you arrested/blown up in the process). Place the stolen mailbox 6s in a creepy-looking Satanic pattern near the flaming poop. Now return home and retreat to your bedroom, making a large space on the floor facing the window that is clear of books, DVDs, mouldy pizza boxes and soiled underwear. While sitting in this cleared space (which represents your current state of emotional clarity), take the photo of your enemy and draw a moustache on their face. Giggle while scanning on your all-in-one printer and upload to Facebook. Finish off by repeating the following incantation loudly and irately into your enemy’s voicemail:

“I’ve put a curse on you, you stupid bitch, because I hate you! Got it, skank? My boyfriend only left me for you because you’re sooo easy, you dumb slut, you ruined my life! I hope you burn in hell and have bad hair for the rest of your life, you miserable, vindictive sack of crap! And I know you only got an A in English because you’re screwing the teacher, you herpes-infected whore from Hell! I would have been a much better homecoming queen than you anyway! Bitch! Oh, sorry Mr Jones, I thought this was Megan’s number…”

After repeating this incantation on the right person’s voicemail, sit back and think murderous thoughts for another 28.3 minutes until the new episode of Gossip Girl starts and breaks your concentration. Rest assured, your curse is already in place and starting to work. I personally guarantee that there is a 98.5% chance your enemy will indeed be dead within the next 80 years. Now there’s magic for you!