My Resume

Name: Professor Doctor Aly Stevenson*
Date of birth: 18 October 1985 – too young to get a job that pays well, but too old to be trained to do anything useful
Contact telephone: 3892 1111 (if Pizza Hut answers, it means I’m out applying for other, better jobs, so hurry up and hire me before it’s too late!)

* Title for illustrative purposes only

Objective

To earn enough money to pay off my credit cards and get my parents off my back. $500,000 per annum should do it.

Employment history

Salesperson/shelf-stacker/company nuisance for Priceline discount beauty store
(April – May 2006)
Duties included: Stacking shelves, giving customers bad advice, being yelled at, taking up space, making typos on price tags, being yelled at some more, and zoning out for 3 hours while I was supposed to be reshelving shampoo.
Reason for termination: Knew I was going to get fired, so quit while I was ahead. Also had a bad rapport with my boss and didn’t like getting up early to go to work.

Burger flipper/table wiper/payroll fodder for Hungry Jacks fast food restaurant
(6:00pm 13 June 2002 – 7:25pm 13 June 2002)
Duties included: Making hamburgers, wiping tables, faking enthusiasm, smiling blankly, and getting headaches from the smell of refried deep-fried pseudo-beef.
Reason for termination: The idea of sponging off my parents for a few more years was more appealing than being surrounded by acne-causing burger fat, the remnants of dead cows, and idiotic co-workers.

Personal assistant to the personal assistant of the Dean of Commerce and Management, Griffith University
(School holidays July 2001 – April 2002)
Duties included: Answering the phone, filing documents my boss didn’t want to deal with and could pretend I lost, making/drinking coffee, “borrowing” office supplies, eating chocolate biscuits from the boss’s mini fridge, and using my mum’s staff ID to surf the internet and download MP3s.
Reason for termination: Boss fled the country/got a new job in Amsterdam and my services were no longer required (at least by him…some of the sleazy postgrad students were another matter).

Skills and abilities

• Proficient in Microsoft Office applications (assuming “proficient” means “able to boot up the application and then do something stupid to make it crash”).
• Excellent keyboard skills – I never make tyops.
• I am bilingual and speak both Simlish and Klingon fluently. My English language skills are a little rusty, but I’m getting there.
• Exceptional culinary skills – I make very good toast and cup-a-soup.
• Photographic memory…at least when it comes to memorizing the cover art for Morrissey CDs.
• I can play the recorder with my nose.

Awards and recognitions

• Consistent high achiever in state math, science and interpretive dance competitions.
• President (and sole member) of the Brisbane Quiff Appreciation Society.
• Well-received in my role as the construction worker in my 8th grade drama class’s production of “YMCA”.
• Voted “Most likely to clone herself” in a 1999 school slambook.
• Once won a game of Trivial Pursuit back in 2004.
• Recipient of many gold stars in 1st and 2nd grades.

References

Dr. P. Stevenson-Clarke
University academic who moonlights as my mother
Contact telephone: Same as mine. This is another reason why you should hire me – so I can get my own damn apartment!

Dr. J. Wright
One of my therapists
Contact telephone: I can’t remember (it’s a condition of my illness *cough*). Try the directory assistance number.

Officer I. Kauter
Arresting cop after…um, nevermind.
Contact telephone: 000. Or 911 if you live in the USA.
(Come to think of it, this probably isn’t the best reference…)